Saturday, March 26, 2011

Russian Jokes

So Russia is a bit of a funny place.  As you might know it used to be the Soviet Union, that ended badly.  Then it tried to become capitalist, when I first went to university (early 2000's) it was designated as a "transition" economy along with the rest of Eastern Europe. These days the UN designates it as a "developing" economy, I guess the transition didn't go too well.  But these days after years of falling life expectancy young russians just seem to not care.  A couple of Youtube videos to illustrate.  First someone on a sportsbike getting upto what must be 200km/h during rush hour Moscow traffic and another where they are using the same roads to ski on, notice the cop at the end of this vid trying to take a photo.  I saw another one where people had made a swing at the top of a 30 storey building and jumping off the top, might see if I can find a vid where they die doing this.
So in order to compile some Russian jokes I followed standard procedure and googled "russian jokes".  And wow, biggest result so far.  There are a couple of dot-coms and even a wikipedia entry.  But anyway my favourites below.  [post-script, most of them are crap, more russian scams I guess]

These ones are from the Communist period:

A man ran through the streets of Moscow shouting: 'Krushchev is a swine!'
He was seized and given twenty-one years: one year for defamation, and twenty years for leaking state secrets.

Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle.

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

You know you have been in Russia too long when ...
...You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
...In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
...You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
...You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
...You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
...When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.

A few from the genre in Soviet Russia:

In Mozilla Firefox, you keep tabs in browser. In Soviet Russia, browser keep tabs on YOU!

In California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find YOU!

In America, you check books out of library. In Soviet Union, library check you out.

In Soviet Russia the future is known. It's the past that's ever-changing

These two are from the more recent period of the nuevo rich, ie. where dumb russians have encountered a big swag of money and do nothing but spend it:

A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a grey Mercedes. The salesman finds him exactly the car he wants, and the man pays cash for it. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, "Didn't you buy a car just like this from us last week?" "Oh, yes, I did," replies the New Russian, "but the ashtray got full."

A New Russian calls his secretary:
- Lena, how many zeros are there in one million?
- Six.
He disconnects and tells his partner:
- You see? Six zeros in one million! Thus, in two millions it is twelve.
~Hmmm, these don't seem to be the funniest but I tried.  Maybe I just dont have a sense of humour this early in the morning, it is only 1.45pm and I havent had my breakfast apple yet.  Am onto my second poo inducing coffee though.

Next time we make jokes about houses in Sydney with red tile roofs


  1. Wow at the first video, I'm a motorcyclist myself and I felt scared just watching him do it. BALLS OF STEEL. That's the tightest traffic weave I've seen.

  2. Love the videos man! Awesome stuff thanks for sharing!

  3. Haha, I live in Sydney so i'm looking forward to the jokes about the roofs!