Saturday, March 26, 2011

Russian Jokes

So Russia is a bit of a funny place.  As you might know it used to be the Soviet Union, that ended badly.  Then it tried to become capitalist, when I first went to university (early 2000's) it was designated as a "transition" economy along with the rest of Eastern Europe. These days the UN designates it as a "developing" economy, I guess the transition didn't go too well.  But these days after years of falling life expectancy young russians just seem to not care.  A couple of Youtube videos to illustrate.  First someone on a sportsbike getting upto what must be 200km/h during rush hour Moscow traffic and another where they are using the same roads to ski on, notice the cop at the end of this vid trying to take a photo.  I saw another one where people had made a swing at the top of a 30 storey building and jumping off the top, might see if I can find a vid where they die doing this.
So in order to compile some Russian jokes I followed standard procedure and googled "russian jokes".  And wow, biggest result so far.  There are a couple of dot-coms and even a wikipedia entry.  But anyway my favourites below.  [post-script, most of them are crap, more russian scams I guess]

These ones are from the Communist period:

A man ran through the streets of Moscow shouting: 'Krushchev is a swine!'
He was seized and given twenty-one years: one year for defamation, and twenty years for leaking state secrets.

Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle.

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

You know you have been in Russia too long when ...
...You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
...In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
...You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
...You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
...You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
...When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.

A few from the genre in Soviet Russia:

In Mozilla Firefox, you keep tabs in browser. In Soviet Russia, browser keep tabs on YOU!

In California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find YOU!

In America, you check books out of library. In Soviet Union, library check you out.

In Soviet Russia the future is known. It's the past that's ever-changing


These two are from the more recent period of the nuevo rich, ie. where dumb russians have encountered a big swag of money and do nothing but spend it:

A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a grey Mercedes. The salesman finds him exactly the car he wants, and the man pays cash for it. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, "Didn't you buy a car just like this from us last week?" "Oh, yes, I did," replies the New Russian, "but the ashtray got full."

A New Russian calls his secretary:
- Lena, how many zeros are there in one million?
- Six.
He disconnects and tells his partner:
- You see? Six zeros in one million! Thus, in two millions it is twelve.
~Hmmm, these don't seem to be the funniest but I tried.  Maybe I just dont have a sense of humour this early in the morning, it is only 1.45pm and I havent had my breakfast apple yet.  Am onto my second poo inducing coffee though.

Next time we make jokes about houses in Sydney with red tile roofs

Americans

Couldn't help myself.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

French

Being a New Zealander I have a particular distaste for the french.  I like to call them francefags.  Following the creation of our country they are the only nation to carry out a military strike in New Zealand.  Not even the Australians have bothered to try.

Here is the wikipedia article on their attack.

French being french, they got caught then forced us to hand them back to them where they were promptly released. 

Q: when was the last good french barbecue?
A: 1431, and it involved Joan of Arc

Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German

"A Frenchmen's home is where another man's wife is." - Mark Twain -1878-79 Journal

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.

Q. Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France
A. Because they don't smell like crap

Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits

Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy

Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A. Because it doesn't really exist.

Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian.

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

Q. How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?
A. Nobody knows, its never been tried before

Q. What do you do if you see 90,000 dead french-men?
A. Stop laughing and re-load!!

Q. Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A. He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French


Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing

Q. Did you hear about the French helicopter crash?
A. The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. A bisexual.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller


Someone requested jokes about Russians, that one could take me a while due to that country being so mucked up these  days and will probably involve a lot of writing on my part.  

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Thanks for all the follows

And also apologies for not updating this more often.  I keep meaning too but I end up getting way too drunk and watching either My little pony or star wars instead.



Monday, March 21, 2011

Racist Maori Jokes

Being a New Zealander I thought that this required a seperate entry.  Maori's by the way are the indigenous peoples of New Zealand.  Originally they were refered to as New Zealand Aborigine's but that got changed out of sympathy to Australian Aborigines who didnt like to be associated with the ones here in New Zealand.

Q: What’s black and white and rolls down a hill?
A: A Maori and a seagull fighting over a fish head

Q: How many pall bearers do you need at a Maori funeral?
A: It only takes one person to push a wheelie bin

Rangi was standing on the door step watching Tama collecting the rubbish.
As Tama went by he yells out to Rangi
“Hey bro where’s you bin”??
Rangi replies, “I bin in Australia”
“NO” replies Tama “where’s your wheelie bin”?
“Oh I wheelie bin in jail, but I like to tell people I bin in Australia.”

Q: You own a three-story house. The top floor is rented to a family of Maoris, the middle floor to Pakehas (European New Zealanders), and the basement is used as a rumpus room. One day, there’s a massive earthquake and your entire house collapses. Who survived?
A: The Pakehas, they were at work.

Q: What did the Maori say to the Jew?
A: Heeebroo

Q: How do you get ten Maoris into a mini?
A: Put some fish and chips in there
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tell them they have to pay

Q: Why shouldn’t you throw rocks at a Maori on a bike?
A: Cause the bikes probably yours

Q: How can you tell when a Maori has lost his virginity?
A: You see it on Crimewatch   ~ a TV show about real life crime, like america's most wanted.
 
Q: What does a Maori use for protection during sex?
A: A balaclava and a shotgun

Q: A car filled with a Maori family was driving up a steep, winding mountain road. There were two in the front, and three in the back. All of a sudden the car lost control, and skidded off the side of the road, killing everyone in the car. What is the sad part of this story?
A: They could have fit two more in the boot.

Q: Why is New Zealand like a box of matches?
A: The black ones don't work.

Q: How do you stop a Moari watching tv?
A: Close your curtains.

Q: What is the Maori word for car aerial?
A: Koatanga (Coat Hanger)
 
Q: What's the biggest Marae in NZ?
A: Mt Eden Prison.  ~ Marae is like a village, Mt Eden prison is a prison.
 
Q: What do you call 4 pakehas surrounded by 400 maori's?
A: Prison wardens.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Racist Jokes

Some of these are bad, some are just plain racist.




Q: Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there is a Target on every corner.

Q: What do you call a guy with his hand up a Camel's arse?
A: An Arab mechanic.

Q:What's the most dangerous job in America?
A: The graveyard shift at a KFC in the projects.

Q: What's the difference between killing time and killing niggers?
A:  You can only kill so much time.

Q: How do you know Noah was a White man?
A: No nigger could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens!

Q:  How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house?
A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q:  How do you blindfold a Gook?
A: You use dental floss.

Q: What's the difference between jews and boyscouts?
A:  Boyscouts come back from their camp.

Q:  How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
 A:  54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

Q:  What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
A:  Free Pork.

Q:  What's faster than a speeding bullet?
A:  A Jew with a coupon.

Q:  What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
A:  Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew.

Q: How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
A:  They don't work in the future, either

Q:  What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person?
A:  Neighbour.

Q:  Why did the little black boy start crying when he had diarrhea?
A:  He thought he was melting.

Q: How do you start a black parade?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit?
A: About 9 months.

Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people stealing it.

Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.

Q:  How Many White People Does it Take To Screw In a Lightbulb?
A:  None, they get a nigger to do it.

Q:  What do you call a white guy who needs to go somewhere across town but does not own an automobile?
A: A taxi.

Q: What do you call a white man in the ghetto? 
A:  A victim.
 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Abo's

Went to visit my parents in Australia once.  We stopped on the side of the road at a rest area for a cup of tea.  Went to sit down at a bench next to a table but then noticed that the wood was gone and only the metal frame was left.  Thought it was weird but wasn't too worried.  Then, being rural australia a local came up and started chatting, asking where we were from and shit.  We asked him what happened to the bench.  Said the Abo's came through and stole the all the wood for firewood.

Moral of the story.  Abo's aren't bums.  Bums sleep on park benches, Abo's steal the park bench.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Funny looking Black People

So a while back I found some pictures of people that are for want of a better word Ghetto-Fabulous.  You will see why shortly.  While these images on their own arent strictly racist they do look funny and could be turned into some awesomely racist captions without too much difficulty.  Maybe that is something which I should work on. 


I have no idea where these girls get their clothes from but I think that it goes without saying they need to start shopping somewhere else or in the case of the girl in the blue, stop making Her own clothes.

I really can't say much about these two but the girl in the black seems to really be enjoying Herself.
And what's worse, thanks to this guy the population is exploding.


But it's not all bad.  They are at least teaching the kids Ghetto life from a young age.